This episode is sponsored by Flo-tato: the official life-preserver of the sovereign nation of Ireland. You are going to SHIT YOUR OWN FACE when you hear this episode. Elon Musk calls in to tell us why he’ll never call in to our show. Things may not be going ideally for you, but at least your nipples don’t look like pieces of half-chewed gum. Inspector Gadget is revealed to be a go-go-gadget racist! Reverend Scalpod returns to officiate this week’s round of “Is It a Band?”. Fidd and peas have a rare moment of mutual appreciation of each other’s choices for this week’s Blind Eye segment. Dok Faux basically shakes his head and reevaluates his life LIVE ON THE AIR. The militantism of tennis ballboys is revealed to be the future of the United States of Florida.
In this episode, Fidd Chewley once again intentionally gets caught by “To Catch a Predator” in his ongoing investigation, “To Catch a Predator Catcher”, and you’ll NEVER BELIEVE the AGGRESSIVELY PREDICTABLE CONCLUSION!! Professional Hopscotch referee, Doktor Cosmac, joins the show halfway through to satisfy government-mandated psychological diversity requirements. Reverand [sic] peas [sic] delivers an overly-long, underly-cautious PSA. Fidd delivers a PSA of his own: if you don’t do drugs, then drugs will do YOU. Doktor Faux doesn’t understand either PSA and demands to be mansplained to. Peas defends his championship in our new game, “Is It a Band”. We hereby apologize to our sponsors for forgetting to mention them during the show AGAIN: Adderall PM, Johnson & Johnson Human Growth Hormone, and the Make-a-Wish Foundation (please don’t tell them I’m not terminally ill).
HOLY SHIT, EVERYONE — IT’S TIME FOR THAT THING THEY CALL A “SHOW”! It’s Doktor/Engineer/Doktor Faux, Reverand [sic] peas [sic], and Fidd Chewley this week in their endless campaign to preserve endangered jokes from extinction! If we don’t tell these jokes, the WHO WILL?! We play our new game, “Is It a Band”. Dok Faux drops a MOAB on peas’s invented religion by showing that it was already invented. Fidd explains why bagpipe players get all the pus*y. The esoteric procedure & methodology of stirring hot dog food is expounded and elaborated upon. Faux’s other gallbladder is a Mercedes. Fidd resolves a long-standing philosophical impasse by explaining that bad things ONLY happen to good people because they’re good things when they happen to bad people. The benefits of faking cardiac arrest in front of your dog are explored. Now that you’ve read this entire episode description, you are no longer required to listen to the episode. Please delete it now.
It’s our first episode since the Fourth of July, the date recognized the world over as the anniversary of the date Lord Donald Trump attained Constitutional Buddhahood. This week: Every other country should give up their retarded language and speak English. Doktor Faux makes the “Call of Duty” argument for patriotism, citing America’s sweet K/D ratio. Stolen Valor is a felony, but Fidd Chewley knows a guy who sublets him some valor under-the-table, so it’s all good. Reverand [sic] peas [sic] is doing the show EFFED-THE-EFF-UP from mixing rum with the meds he’s taking for dem Shingles, and Fidd pre-emptively gives him the Kenny Floyd Award. NEW GAME: “Is It a Band?” We try to play it. It “works”. By the end of the show, peas does a good job apologizing for everything except the fact that the Blind Eye segment never completely got off the ground, but that’s not bad for a guy who is, as I said earlier, EFFED-THE-EFF-UP on Shingles meds and rum.
Another Wosrt-Of episode! The stream crashed several times during the live broadcast, but we managed to scrape the resin of the show from the pipe of the soundboard, smoke it, and blow the smoke into a laptop running a sound editor. This week: Peas outlines the pros and cons of hoarding your own feces. Doktor Faux snorts a ramen noodle flavor packet for Jesus. Fidd reveals all of YOUR dirtiest secrets. Faux & Fidd talk about their recent trip to the Minor Basilica of Mary, Queen of the Universe, where the guards have handguns! The fine for smoking in an elevator in Maryland is ONLY $25! Fidd convinces peas that it’s okay for him to drink on antibiotics because he’s a heavyweight. Peas & Fidd get gay-married and go back to their Africa (Ireland). Doktor Faux reviews Fidd’s new product: suppository cigarettes. The phrase “Cheddar Bay” should only be followed by “biscuit”. Fidd won’t shutup about groundhog jizz.
Who would win: one steroider, or one crackboi?? This question has plagued self-appointed dipshits since times pseudo-memorial, measured on the scale of DOZENS OF HOURS AGO, but this week’s pennjillette, HMFIC Doc Ellis, breaks it all THE FUCK DOWN for y’all’s. You think you’re sexy enough to listen to this episode? You’re probably right — IT’S THAT BAD!! This is the first intentionally un-lost, surprise/regularly-scheduled episode in cerebro-apocalyptic history! Because Reverand [sic] peas [sic] didn’t show up until mere minutes before the scheduled end of the show, we continued for A WHOLE EXTRA HOUR — mostly just to allow peas to offer his Blind Eye submission and the fan-favorite: peas apologizes to everyone for everything ever. Uninitiated viewers are hereby admonished to approach this episode in a mature manner, not succumbing to the temptations of low-hanging toilet humor and cultish sophistry.
“You’re gonna have to carry this one, peas!” Holy jumpin’ jeeperwinks; Fidd and Faux are recovering from two straight days of eating nothing but lunar regolith and popcorn. Peas wins a free trial-size box of Lucky Charms for being the millionth customer at the whites-only nail salon.
Doktor Faux runs out of toilet paper and must wipe his ass with his collection of defunct Chuck-E-Cheese tickets. Fidd elaborates on this week’s life hack: how to properly chill tampons for use on hot days.
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