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Time for the Show 1×44: Crapping Towards Bethlehem

A new sponsor: Betty Crocker’s Poop Roll-Ups.  Time is fake because calendars are gay.  Faux tells a joke.  The TIME FOR THE SHOW “Take Kids Around the World” charity.  Fidd is a WWII veteran.  Warren Alexander Peas attends a cockfight.  Jodi Arias is a Truly Chewley.  Canadian Felon summer camp.  Who peed in your bongwater?  A highly surmountable problem.  BLIND EYES!  Peas disapproves of Fidd’s Blind Eye.  DIWS: Douche-Induced Whiplash Syndrome.  Mature language is immature.  IS IT A BAND –>  Round one: Bicyclops.  Round two: Insecurity Council.  Round three: Stinkfinger.  Round four: The Radioactivists.  Viewer mail: “What happened to the funny parts of the show?”  Reverend 80: champion rubberbandist.  Peas explains to you why you’re listening to this show.  Arli$$.  We kiss each other.  Weekly Patreon love.  CARBONATED BREAST MILK?!?!  Sometimes a microphone is just a microphone.  Luther Vandross and the salamanderizer.  The photo of Fidd sleeping in his duckie shirt.  Sternfan101 is the Arli$$ of peas.  The ceremonial on-air sound check.  Peas gets Teller on the show and demands the ears of Democrats.  Hosts’ questions for Teller.  Time for the Show: fuck, merry, kill.  Monday is Bottomless Bread Night for Illuminati members only.  A second round of Blind Eyes.  THIS SPACE RESERVED FOR GOOD CONTENT.  Is It a Brand: the “Rumbleball” brand medicine ball.  If you want to avoid seeing the movie “Venom”, simply impregnate your wife LIKE DOKTOR FAUX DID!!  Peas dutifully apologizes for this episode.  Our sacred Google Play link.

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Time for the Show 1×43: Ale ‘n’ Alienation in an Ailin’ Alien Nation

Fidd is drunk. Caller #23 joins the show as peas’s understudy. Daylight Savings Time, Ontario, 1908. Hitler was the first in space. Fidd sneezes drunkenly. Our Discord’s users’ meme war. Calvin peeing on Calvin. Peas pokes fabric. Fidd is drunk. RIP Whitey Bulger. Peas gets racialist. Jodi Arias sends Fidd some bagels. The reason crazy kids aren’t allowed gum. Is Peas our Klinger or our Radar? Who are you vaping? “Unicorn space jism”. The twenty-third caller. Patreon love. Fidd is drunk. Doesn’t Faux know it’s just a show? Fidd’s disambidextrous throne. Hazel of the Windmills’s fourtune read by peas. Fidd drunkenly interprets a bible verse for Hazel. The Google Play link. Peas leaves Caller #23 in charge. IS IT A BAND?! Caller #23 apologizes for the show on behalf of peas.

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Time for the Show 1×41: FUN-O-TAINMENT!

Box tragedy update. The three Ps of perfect peas publicity. What NOT to do. Obligitory PSA. Disclaimer, ahoy! Mail fraud “might” be illegal. The real porch pirates of Las Vegas. Episode art contest! Whoopin’ Faux. One last voicemail. The Kenny Floyd award. Weezer concerts, rum, and “findoras”. Peas apologizes. Fidd apologizes to peas. Peas apologizes more. Faux apologizes to Gavin McInnes. THANK YOU!

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Time for the Show 1×40: The Apple of my Eyenus

This week Peas is back and full of vinegar as he discovers an exciting new way to waste taxpayer’s money. Fidd Chewley grasps the desk and holds on for dear life as the cosmos spins around him while Doktor Faux manages the comm board with exactly ONE more beer in him than usual. Peas then interviews Faux as practice for his still-upcoming new show, and the boys talk crap about China. Scalpod shows up to host/judge “Is It A Band” and Peas apologizes for all the extra salt he threw on the show this week!

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Time for the Show 1×38: Is it a Toe?

Here is the dilemma in the face of the task of writing the notes for this show: either you’re a big fan, in which case I don’t need to write notes given that you’re going to listen to the whole episode anyway — OR — you AREN’T going to listen to this episode, but for some reason are still reading these words, in which case I’m curious as to why you’re reading notes to a show you’re not ear-chowing, BUT THAT’S OKAY! This is the second-and-final episode in-a-row in which Doktor Faux was away from Hypercube and so Fidd Chewley had to play “Guest Engineer”. Co-HMFIC of Free Think Radio, Marthartha, officiates this week’s round of Is It a Band, which ends up getting stretched out by the hosts to a 45-minute segment. So, okay, it ran a little bit long. So what?! We don’t shoot until we see THE PINKS OF THEIR EYES! Oh, you didn’t get the joke?? Well, GOOD FUCKIN’ LUCK, buddy, because the Slack Train ROLLS ON!! Aliens ABILLIONFUCKIN years from now will unearth this episode, and they will know if YOU were in on the joke or not! HURRY — figure out why the parts of this show that you didn’t THINK were funny were, actually, literally, clitorally, in fact, FUNNY, and perhaps you’ll have a chance at redumbtion!

A certain cult leader demanded that I start listing proper notes in the episode descriptions. It isn’t that FUN has been banned; my travails have become his FUN! AND I FELL FOR IT!

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Time for the Show 1×36: The Twister ‘n’ Dildoe Morning Show

Do you not know, Asclepius, that Egypt is an image of heaven, or, to speak more exactly, in Egypt all the operations of the powers which rule and work in heaven have been transferred to earth below?

Nay, it should rather be said that the whole Kosmos dwells in this our land as in its sanctuary. And yet, since it is fitting that wise men should have knowledge of all events before they come to pass, you must not be left in ignorance of this: there will come a time when it will be seen that in vain have the Egyptians honoured the deity with heartfelt piety and assiduous service; and all our holy worship will be found bootless and ineffectual. For the gods will return from earth to heaven.

Egypt will be forsaken, and the land which was once the home of religion will be left desolate, bereft of the presence of its deities.

This land and region will be filled with foreigners; not only will men neglect the service of the gods, […] and Egypt will be occupied by Scythians or Indians or by some such race from the barbarian countries thereabout. In that day will our most holy land, this land of shrines and temples, be filled with funerals and corpses. To thee, most holy Nile, I cry, to thee I foretell that which shall be; swollen with torrents of blood, thou wilt rise to the level of thy banks, and thy sacred waves will be not only stained, but utterly fouled with gore.

Do you weep at this, Asclepius? There is worse to come; Egypt herself will have yet more to suffer; she will fall into a far more piteous plight, and will be infected with yet more, grievous plagues; and this land, which once was holy, a land which loved the gods, and wherein alone, in reward for her devotion, the gods deigned to sojourn upon earth, a land which was the teacher of mankind in holiness and piety, this land will go beyond all in cruel deeds. The dead will far outnumber the living; and the survivors will be known for Egyptians by their tongue alone, but in their actions they will seem to be men of another race.

O Egypt, Egypt, of thy religion nothing will remain but an empty tale, which thine own children in time to come will not believe; nothing will be left but graven words, and only the stones will tell of thy piety. And in that day men will be weary of life, and they will cease to think the universe worthy of reverent wonder and of worship. And so religion, the greatest of all blessings, for there is nothing, nor has been, nor ever shall be, that can be deemed a greater boon, will be threatened with destruction; men will think it a burden, and will come to scorn it […]

Darkness will be preferred to light, and death will be thought more profitable than life; no one will raise his eyes to heaven ; the pious will be deemed insane, and the impious wise; the madman will be thought a brave man, and the wicked will be esteemed as good. As to the soul, and the belief that it is immortal by nature, or may hope to attain to immortality, as I have taught you, all this they will mock at, and will even persuade themselves that it is false. No word of reverence or piety, no utterance worthy of heaven and of the gods of heaven, will be heard or believed.

And so the gods will depart from mankind, a grievous thing!, and only evil angels will remain, who will mingle with men, and drive the poor wretches by main force into all manner of reckless crime, into wars, and robberies, and frauds, and all things hostile to the nature of the soul. Then will the earth no longer stand unshaken, and the sea will bear no ships; heaven will not support the stars in their orbits, nor will the stars pursue their constant course in heaven; all voices of the gods will of necessity be silenced and dumb; the fruits of the earth will rot; the soil will turn barren, and the very air will sicken in sullen stagnation. After this manner will old age come upon the world. Religion will be no more; all things will be disordered and awry; all good will disappear.

— Asclepius

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Time for the Show 1×35: Trochaic Tantrumeter

This week’s show is brought to you by Respectacles, the eyeglasses that improve your vision AND your hatred of minorities!! So much has happened since last week’s episode that we didn’t even address any of it! The best podcasts leave all the content to the imagination of the listener, lest the show be spoiled. Doktor Faux takes an entire morgue hostage and threatens to shoot a corpse every hour until the United Nations issues a statement affirming that the vein in his nutsack is “normal” and “totally does NOT look weird”. Fidd talks about his experience taking third place in the rolling-paper-airplane championships. Peas apologizes for missing last week’s show, then, as usual, he duly apologizes for NOT missing this week’s show. Dok Cosmac once again joins the show as the guest judge for “Is It a Band?” This is the part of the episode description where I cut superficial wounds on my arm in a desperate bid for your attention.