NOTICE: THIS EPISODE IS FOR DISPLAY PURPOSES ONLY. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PLAY THIS EPISODE.
Here is the dilemma in the face of the task of writing the notes for this show: either you’re a big fan, in which case I don’t need to write notes given that you’re going to listen to the whole episode anyway — OR — you AREN’T going to listen to this episode, but for some reason are still reading these words, in which case I’m curious as to why you’re reading notes to a show you’re not ear-chowing, BUT THAT’S OKAY! This is the second-and-final episode in-a-row in which Doktor Faux was away from Hypercube and so Fidd Chewley had to play “Guest Engineer”. Co-HMFIC of Free Think Radio, Marthartha, officiates this week’s round of Is It a Band, which ends up getting stretched out by the hosts to a 45-minute segment. So, okay, it ran a little bit long. So what?! We don’t shoot until we see THE PINKS OF THEIR EYES! Oh, you didn’t get the joke?? Well, GOOD FUCKIN’ LUCK, buddy, because the Slack Train ROLLS ON!! Aliens ABILLIONFUCKIN years from now will unearth this episode, and they will know if YOU were in on the joke or not! HURRY — figure out why the parts of this show that you didn’t THINK were funny were, actually, literally, clitorally, in fact, FUNNY, and perhaps you’ll have a chance at redumbtion!
A certain cult leader demanded that I start listing proper notes in the episode descriptions. It isn’t that FUN has been banned; my travails have become his FUN! AND I FELL FOR IT!
“It was in a mirror, at some time, in some place, that the first act of recognition occurred, the point when man stared into the ocean, saw his face in its infinity, grew anxious, and began to ask, ‘Who is that?…’”
Sándor Márai: Casanova in Bolzano
Do you not know, Asclepius, that Egypt is an image of heaven, or, to speak more exactly, in Egypt all the operations of the powers which rule and work in heaven have been transferred to earth below?
Nay, it should rather be said that the whole Kosmos dwells in this our land as in its sanctuary. And yet, since it is fitting that wise men should have knowledge of all events before they come to pass, you must not be left in ignorance of this: there will come a time when it will be seen that in vain have the Egyptians honoured the deity with heartfelt piety and assiduous service; and all our holy worship will be found bootless and ineffectual. For the gods will return from earth to heaven.
Egypt will be forsaken, and the land which was once the home of religion will be left desolate, bereft of the presence of its deities.
This land and region will be filled with foreigners; not only will men neglect the service of the gods, […] and Egypt will be occupied by Scythians or Indians or by some such race from the barbarian countries thereabout. In that day will our most holy land, this land of shrines and temples, be filled with funerals and corpses. To thee, most holy Nile, I cry, to thee I foretell that which shall be; swollen with torrents of blood, thou wilt rise to the level of thy banks, and thy sacred waves will be not only stained, but utterly fouled with gore.
Do you weep at this, Asclepius? There is worse to come; Egypt herself will have yet more to suffer; she will fall into a far more piteous plight, and will be infected with yet more, grievous plagues; and this land, which once was holy, a land which loved the gods, and wherein alone, in reward for her devotion, the gods deigned to sojourn upon earth, a land which was the teacher of mankind in holiness and piety, this land will go beyond all in cruel deeds. The dead will far outnumber the living; and the survivors will be known for Egyptians by their tongue alone, but in their actions they will seem to be men of another race.
O Egypt, Egypt, of thy religion nothing will remain but an empty tale, which thine own children in time to come will not believe; nothing will be left but graven words, and only the stones will tell of thy piety. And in that day men will be weary of life, and they will cease to think the universe worthy of reverent wonder and of worship. And so religion, the greatest of all blessings, for there is nothing, nor has been, nor ever shall be, that can be deemed a greater boon, will be threatened with destruction; men will think it a burden, and will come to scorn it […]
Darkness will be preferred to light, and death will be thought more profitable than life; no one will raise his eyes to heaven ; the pious will be deemed insane, and the impious wise; the madman will be thought a brave man, and the wicked will be esteemed as good. As to the soul, and the belief that it is immortal by nature, or may hope to attain to immortality, as I have taught you, all this they will mock at, and will even persuade themselves that it is false. No word of reverence or piety, no utterance worthy of heaven and of the gods of heaven, will be heard or believed.
And so the gods will depart from mankind, a grievous thing!, and only evil angels will remain, who will mingle with men, and drive the poor wretches by main force into all manner of reckless crime, into wars, and robberies, and frauds, and all things hostile to the nature of the soul. Then will the earth no longer stand unshaken, and the sea will bear no ships; heaven will not support the stars in their orbits, nor will the stars pursue their constant course in heaven; all voices of the gods will of necessity be silenced and dumb; the fruits of the earth will rot; the soil will turn barren, and the very air will sicken in sullen stagnation. After this manner will old age come upon the world. Religion will be no more; all things will be disordered and awry; all good will disappear.
This week’s show is brought to you by Respectacles, the eyeglasses that improve your vision AND your hatred of minorities!! So much has happened since last week’s episode that we didn’t even address any of it! The best podcasts leave all the content to the imagination of the listener, lest the show be spoiled. Doktor Faux takes an entire morgue hostage and threatens to shoot a corpse every hour until the United Nations issues a statement affirming that the vein in his nutsack is “normal” and “totally does NOT look weird”. Fidd talks about his experience taking third place in the rolling-paper-airplane championships. Peas apologizes for missing last week’s show, then, as usual, he duly apologizes for NOT missing this week’s show. Dok Cosmac once again joins the show as the guest judge for “Is It a Band?” This is the part of the episode description where I cut superficial wounds on my arm in a desperate bid for your attention.
You’re going to SHIT YOUR FACE IN HALF when you hear this one! Reverand [sic] peas [sic] didn’t show up to this episode, probably because it’s Labor Day and he got too shit-housed to do the show — BUT THAT’S OKAY, because Doktor Cosmac, the Cheap Engineer of Hypercube Labs, joins Faux & Fidd for the entire show and officiates this week’s “Is It a Band” with guest contestant, Cat Feather! Fidd teaches the kids what NOT to do by emptying the contents of a road flare onto a paper plate and snorting it…again. Doktor Faux reminds you what that really funny joke was that you thought of that one time, but forgot. Elon Musk calls in to admit that he’s an unused Hideo Kojima villain who escaped into the real world.
This one is ROUGH. Fidd and Faux are in a post-peas-problem state and struggle to rally for the show. Fortunately, Langford the Lungist calls in to explain why vaping M&Ms is better for you than smoking them. In addition to the Kenny Floyd award, Peas earns a platinum XBox achievement for stepping on 100% of Fidd’s jokes. Dok Cosmac jumps into the HyperCOMM to officiate our new game: “Is It A Band”. Scalpod gets jealous and accuses Cosmac of being a douchejockey. HMFIC of FTR, Dr Ellis, unveils the new Fidd Chewley fashion action playset. Overall, this one SUCKS! Enjoy.
You are going to SHIT YOUR FACE IN HALF when you hear this episode! Ready to make the most exciting two-hour mistake of your life? If so, don’t miss a single syllable! In addition to answering viewer mail, turning blind eyes toward ISIS, and playing “Is It a Band”, Sean Connery calls in to talk about how to pay for whores with Bitcoin. It doesn’t take a psychic meteorologist to tell you why a basketball won’t fit in your ass, so why would you trust one to interpret the crop circles in your pubes?? YOU WOULDN’T!! That’s why we do what we do.
You are going to SHIT YOUR FACE when you hear this episode. This week’s magic phrase is “Nariff Nariff Barungaroo”. Doktor/Engineer/Doktor Faux is running the show from Hypercube HQ all by his lonesome while Fidd Chewley calls in from Tampa and Reverand [sic] peas [sic] calls in from his desert hidey-hole. The hosts attempt to play a new game, “That’s Racist”, but peas has to be a crybaby about the rules, so the game is abandoned in favor of the tried-and-true game, “Is It a Band”. The militantism of tennis ball-boys and executive chefs is explained. Fidd Chewley wins the Kenny Floyd Memorial Award for most drunken podcruster. The entire second hour of the show is spent speculating on what kind of dress what’s-her-tits is going to wear to the royal wedding.
This episode is sponsored by Flo-tato: the official life-preserver of the sovereign nation of Ireland. You are going to SHIT YOUR OWN FACE when you hear this episode. Elon Musk calls in to tell us why he’ll never call in to our show. Things may not be going ideally for you, but at least your nipples don’t look like pieces of half-chewed gum. Inspector Gadget is revealed to be a go-go-gadget racist! Reverend Scalpod returns to officiate this week’s round of “Is It a Band?”. Fidd and peas have a rare moment of mutual appreciation of each other’s choices for this week’s Blind Eye segment. Dok Faux basically shakes his head and reevaluates his life LIVE ON THE AIR. The militantism of tennis ballboys is revealed to be the future of the United States of Florida.