Who would win: one steroider, or one crackboi?? This question has plagued self-appointed dipshits since times pseudo-memorial, measured on the scale of DOZENS OF HOURS AGO, but this week’s pennjillette, HMFIC Doc Ellis, breaks it all THE FUCK DOWN for y’all’s. You think you’re sexy enough to listen to this episode? You’re probably right — IT’S THAT BAD!! This is the first intentionally un-lost, surprise/regularly-scheduled episode in cerebro-apocalyptic history! Because Reverand [sic] peas [sic] didn’t show up until mere minutes before the scheduled end of the show, we continued for A WHOLE EXTRA HOUR — mostly just to allow peas to offer his Blind Eye submission and the fan-favorite: peas apologizes to everyone for everything ever. Uninitiated viewers are hereby admonished to approach this episode in a mature manner, not succumbing to the temptations of low-hanging toilet humor and cultish sophistry.
Peas had a tummy ache in his tooth, so his overstudy, Dr K’taden Legume, joins the show to play his part and tell us how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a cyanide pill. Fidd blind-eyes instant oatmeal for not being instant. Faux plays every version of 20th Century Man except the version peas requested.
“He who shits before he showers yet still wipes his ass is a fool.” — Book of Fidd, 2:73
For the THIRD week in a row, TIME FOR THE SHOW is rated the number one Canadian internet radio show in southeast Asian sweatshops! Jackie Robinson, the baseballist, does NOT make an appearance in this episode, but Reverand [sic] peas [sic], Doktor Faux, and Fidd Chewley manage to break the baseball color-barrier for the first time in the 21st century ALL BY THEMSELVES! We’re HEROES. This is the episode where Doktor Faux makes a polygraph machine question itself, Reverand [sic] peas [sic] lobbies for the rights of melted plastic army men, and Fidd Chewley promotes his new business — selling the unibrows of school bus drivers. This week’s episode is sponsored by Family Crest, the incestuous toothpaste.
“You’re gonna have to carry this one, peas!” Holy jumpin’ jeeperwinks; Fidd and Faux are recovering from two straight days of eating nothing but lunar regolith and popcorn. Peas wins a free trial-size box of Lucky Charms for being the millionth customer at the whites-only nail salon.
Doktor Faux runs out of toilet paper and must wipe his ass with his collection of defunct Chuck-E-Cheese tickets. Fidd elaborates on this week’s life hack: how to properly chill tampons for use on hot days.
This week’s pennjillette is Reverend Couchsloth, who joins in the second half of the show to confirm Fidd’s spiritual diagnosis. Reverand [sic] peas [sic] can’t seem to stop talking about how tort reform will affect NASA. Doktor Faux blows bubbles into the microphone in an attempt to appeal to our five-to-nine-year-old demographic. Fidd looks into the show code and discovers that robot nipples are programmed to twist themselves. The unacceptable truth that the End Times of every religion have ALREADY HAPPENED on the SAME DATE IN THE PAST is revealed. All listeners to this episode will have the overdue balances Blockbuster accounts WIPED CLEAN. You’re welcome.
This week’s pennjillette is Doktor Legume! On this episode, the hosts have their white privilege called out by Doktor Legume. Doktor Faux trades his family’s cow for the last three Quaaludes in existence. Fidd Chewley’s weekly tip for non-hemophiliacs is how to de-scramble eggs WITHOUT selling your soul to Satan. Reverand [sic] peas [sic] introduces his new line of low-impact wiffledildoes.
The sound sucked on the last show suck’d, so here’s a bunch of pre-recorded stuff edited together into some kind of show-like conflagration! In this, the most un-lost-est of episodes, our pennjillette is Reverend Caller 23, in the studio for gardening tips and best practices regarding the storage of coin polish. reverand [sic] peas [sic] had a bad day and subsequently fades in and out of a Discord coma. Doktor Faux explains the perils of non-standard jar threading. Fidd Chewley offers his patented Do’s-and-Dont’s regarding false memory implantation. Listen to this episode seven times in a row and win an ice cube tray full of George Wasington Memorial Toothpaste!
This week’s pennjillette is Cat Feather. Fidd can’t correctly tune his duduk, so he purposefuly sneezes on Faux’s ant farm in frustration. peas [sic] attempts to do good radio; he is immediately corrected and punished by Faux and Fidd. Co-solipsists, Dok Cosmac and Not-That-Bob Dapper, join the show in the second hour, but soon run home crying to their mommies and TELLING ON US! By the end of the show, Penitent Man is once again the only one who passes.
AN EXCITING NEW INTERACTIVE ELECTRONIC REVELATION IS UPON US!!! WHEREAS: there have been practically innumerable instances of speculation over the…
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